The "I-TO-WE" News
March 2007

I received a lot of e-mails from members after the last newsletter. Many stated the article resonated with them and they have been able to apply the new awareness in their relationships. However, many said the article was to long. Which if you have read some of my previous articles, would not be a surprise? ☺

I condensed the article to a third of the original length. I feel the message is so important for people to understand that I made the short version the feature article for this month. Even if you read the original form, please take the time to read the short version. Each time you read it, you will find new nuggets of gold to help you achieve relationship success in all areas of your life.

After you have read it, I would like you to consider this question. It is your inquiry for the month. How can I maintain the discipline to only look within myself to understand my fears and limiting beliefs and how my subsequent perspectives and reactions affect the health of my relationships? Answer this inquiry without making yourself a victim, blaming anyone else or any external life circumstances.

The “I-TO-WE” Community is about helping us to learn, stretch, grow, mature, and change. Combining our knowledge and experiences will give all of us the best chance at relationship success. If you feel inspired, please write, and share so we can learn from each other.

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The month of February has been very exciting beginning with the “I-TO-WE” Corporate Coaching division. Collaborating with proactive companies, we are helping to train employees in the techniques of successful; communication, compromise, and conflict resolution skills. We have begun a new awareness initiative to help educate companies about the impact negative home relationships have on employee productivity and effectiveness at work.

Our continuing work with the religious community has been very rewarding. The response to our free seminars is tremendous. We are grateful for the opportunity to be of service to the religious leaders in our community.

If you have any feedback or would like to ask me your biggest relationship question, challenge or concern, e-mail me by clicking on the following link - Ask Glenn

Announcements

• Join us Tuesday, March 6. 9PM eastern for the “I-TO-WE” Tele-Class; Surviving Affairs: How to Restore the Safety, Trust and Respect. Participating is easy, just dial 1-218-486-1300, then enter the bridge number – 134391.

When I speak of Emotionally Intelligent Relationships most people ask “what on earth is an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship”?, or “how can I begin to create an emotionally intelligent relationship”?

An Emotionally Intelligent Relationship can be any ongoing relationship a person has with a partner, co-worker, boss, child, friend, or family member where successful communication is the norm. One might ask, how do people attain Emotionally Intelligent Relationships? In order to achieve an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship (EIR), it helps to understand how it all begins. In order to experience a successful relationship with healthy communication, people must look within themselves. Everything starts with the self – the “I” of “I-TO-WE.”

An EIR is a relationship where conflict remains safe and respectful and compromises are reached successfully. A common phenomenon known as Reactivity is responsible for fueling most of the conflict in relationships. Reactivity is a release of negative energy and emotions fueled by pain associated with past emotional wounds. An EIR is a relationship with minimal or no reactivity between individuals.

Emotional wounds are the aftermath of painful relationship experiences where needs went unmet, feelings were invalidated, or emotional pain was somehow inflicted. The depth of the wound relates to the intensity of a person’s reactions. The ability for people to handle their emotions without becoming reactive determines the quality of their communication and the health of their relationships.

When an event occurs, the mind tends to interpret the event as a positive or negative experience. When people perceive events as negative or painful, the mind begins a self-dialogue that creates fear. The fear presents itself in a number of ways (feeling insecure, unworthy, unlovable, abandoned, controlling, or lacking in trust) and leads to the sadness, loneliness, anxiety, resentment, anger, and pain that go hand in hand with emotional wounds.

If a person’s fear becomes too intense, it can lead the mind to create theThe twin pillars skew a person’s view of the world and blur the lines between past pain and present reality. Thus, people view present day events through the foggy lens of fear.

When people view everyday situations or events through the lens of distorted perspectives and/or unrealistic expectations, the result is a mismatch between their own experience and the reality of the situation. This leads to “emotional triggers” activated by the associated fear from the emotional wound. Triggers lead to emotional reactivity. As previously mentioned, reactivity is the release of negative energy associated with emotional wounds and fears and it causes most of the problems in relationships by leading people to behave in an emotionally unintelligent

Reactivity comes in two forms. People react inwardly by withdrawing, or outwardly by exploding and lashing out at others. Common forms of inward reactivity include avoidance, silence, and isolation. Conversely, typical forms of outward reactivity include being argumentative, yelling, tantrums and rages.

Reactivity does not define people, and it is not a reflection of a person’s basic worth, character, or integrity. However, when people become reactive on a regular basis, others begin to perceive and respond to them in a negative manner and their relationships become chaotic and painful.

Change occurs when the Emotionally Unintelligent person develops an awareness and understanding of how emotional wounds lead to distorted perspectives and unrealistic expectations, resulting in emotional triggers and reactivity. The next step is to consider and adopt new perspectives and expectations, understand one is not a victim and believe that change is possible. Finally, people must recognize the warning signs of reactivity early enough to prevent negative reactions and subsequent conflict.

We are all wonderfully unique individuals with emotional wounds to heal and fears to conquer. Understanding wounds and fears, the causes of reactivity, and the process of change leads quickly to the amazing benefits of having Emotionally Intelligent Relationships.